About The Sofashaman
I, Guy de Longchamps, discovered my shamanic powers during a particularly intense Netflix marathon in 2018. While most shamans train in remote locations, I realized that the true spiritual energy flows through our modern living rooms.
After receiving my self-certification in Sofa Shamanism (a discipline I invented after watching three documentaries about spiritual healing), I've helped thousands of people unlock their potential without the inconvenience of leaving their homes.
As the founder, Dean, Chief Executive Shaman and Honorary Doctor of Pseudosemiotic Shamanistic Theory at The Academy of Applied Sofashamanism, my approach combines ancient wisdom I've gathered from Wikipedia with modern comfort techniques. I'm proud to say that my success rate is immeasurable—literally, because I don't believe in measurements or verifiable results.
Remember: The path to enlightenment doesn't require leaving your couch. It requires my reasonably priced services.
My Life-Changing Services
Virtual Aura Cleansing
I'll cleanse your aura remotely via email. Simply send me your credit card details, and I'll respond with a PDF certificate confirming your aura is now sparkling clean.
Only $99.99
Shamanic Certification
Become a certified shaman yourself! My 2-hour online course will qualify you to charge others for vague spiritual services. Includes printable certificate and generic spiritual statements.
$299.99
Blessed Water Subscription
I'll send you regular tap water that I've blessed by looking at it while thinking positive thoughts. Proven* to hydrate just like regular water!
*Not actually proven
$19.99/month
Prosperity Blessing
Send me money, and I'll bless it to attract more money. The more you send, the stronger the blessing. Results guaranteed within your lifetime or several lifetimes.
Starting at $499.99
Remote Healing Session
Schedule a Zoom call where I'll wave my hands at the screen and make soothing noises. You'll feel something. Possibly confusion, but definitely something.
$149.99/hour
Custom Spiritual Name
I'll channel the universe to discover your true spiritual name. Past examples include "Eagle Feather," "Crystal Moon," and "Jeff but spelled Jyyphh."
$79.99
Satisfied Clients
"After receiving my Sofa Shaman certification, I've been able to quit my job and now make a living selling essential oils and life advice to my Facebook friends. Best investment ever!"
"I sent The Sofashaman $500 for a prosperity blessing. I haven't seen any financial returns yet, but he assured me it's because Mercury is in retrograde. Makes sense to me!"
"I was skeptical at first, but after drinking the blessed water for three months, I can confirm that I'm still alive. If that's not proof of its power, I don't know what is."
Available Certifications
Join thousands* of satisfied students with these exclusive qualifications from The Academy of Applied Sofashamanism!
*Number not verified
Master Sofa Shaman
Our premium qualification
$499.99
Certified Energy Whisperer
Speak to energies!
$399.99
Aura Reading Specialist
See colors around people!
$349.99
Crystal Healing Practitioner
Pretty rocks = health!
$299.99
Spiritual Life Coach
Give advice with confidence!
$449.99
Quantum Wellness Expert
Use science words incorrectly!
$599.99
Certificate Shop
Not ready for full certification? Our budget-friendly Certificate Shop offers instant credibility for just $30 each!
Personally approved by Guy de Longchamps, Honorary Doctor of Pseudosemiotic Shamanistic Theory
Pet Channeler
Talk to animals on their level
$30.00
Dream Interpreter
Make up meanings for dreams
$30.00
Numerology Novice
Add digits until meaningful
$30.00
Feng Shui Arranger
Move furniture, charge money
$30.00
Karmic Consultant
Explain bad luck as deserved
$30.00
Existential Band-Aid Applicator
Put spiritual bandages on real problems
$30.00
The Master Practitioner Path
Embark on a transformative journey to spiritual entrepreneurship with our carefully crafted pathway to enlightenment (and increased revenue streams).
Level 1: Certificate Shop
Investment: $30 per certificate
Time Commitment: 5 minutes to purchase
Benefit: Call yourself certified in various spiritual practices without any actual training
Revenue Potential: Charge $50-75/hour for basic spiritual services
Level 2: Basic Certifications
Investment: $299-399 per certification
Time Commitment: 1-2 hours of video content you can skip through
Benefit: More impressive-looking certificates with gold borders
Revenue Potential: Charge $100-150/hour for "advanced" spiritual guidance
Level 3: Advanced Practitioner
Investment: $500-999 per mastery program
Time Commitment: 3-5 hours of content you'll probably skim
Benefit: Permission to call yourself an "Advanced Practitioner"
Revenue Potential: Charge $200-300/hour and create your own online courses
Level 4: Master Certification
Investment: $1000-2499 mastermind program
Time Commitment: A weekend Zoom retreat you can leave your camera off for
Benefit: Add "Master" to your title and certify others (for a fee)
Revenue Potential: Unlimited as you create your own certification pyramid scheme
Level 5: Guru Status
Investment: $2500+ elite mentorship with Guy de Longchamps
Time Commitment: Monthly check-in calls you can multitask during
Benefit: Personal endorsement from Guy de Longchamps himself
Revenue Potential: $500+/hour rates, book deals, speaking engagements
The Guy de Longchamps Promise
"I've carefully designed this path to maximize your perceived expertise while minimizing your actual effort. The beauty of this system is that with each level you ascend, you'll be qualified to charge higher rates for essentially the same services. Your clients won't know the difference, but your bank account will!"
Begin Your Spiritual Journey
DISCLAIMER: The Sofashaman's services are provided for entertainment purposes only. No actual shamanic training has occurred. Results may vary from nothing to slightly less than nothing. By using these services, you acknowledge that you understand the difference between satire and legitimate spiritual practices. If not, please seek help from someone other than The Sofashaman.